New Seniors Handbook – Daryl Hopper

When a person reaches the age of sixty-five, they will be officially a senior citizen. There will be rules to follow. The following are those rules.

• Shirts should be bright colours, preferably flower pattern, and worn inside the pants.
• Pants should be turquoise or pink and should be pulled up to just under the breasts.
• Shoes are to be sensible and closed toed. Men are to wear black socks with sandals.
• Bras will be worn loose enough so the breasts can be tucked into the belt of your pants.
• Hair is to be worn in a tight perm and coloured blue.
• Glasses are to be worn on the top of the head and then forgotten.
• When talking to other seniors, words are to be forgotten, especially halfway through a sentence.
• When going into a strange washroom, you must forget how to get out.
• When going into another part of the house, the reason you are there must be forgotten.
• The procedure to brush your teeth must be forgotten at least twice a month.
• When meeting people, their names and faces must be forgotten.
• If you drive, the left turn signal must be left on at all times, also, you are to drive ten kilometers below the posted speed limit.
• If anyone walks near your front door, you are to yell, “GET OFF MY LAWN!”, even if you don’t have a lawn.
• Many pills are to be taken every day; some pills are for the side effects of the other pills.
• You know your doctor by his first name.
• When talking to other seniors, you will compare all your ailments to theirs, this contest must be won by you.
• When getting out of chairs or beds, you must grown in pain and hold the part of the body that hurts.
• When asked what kind of computer you have, you must respond, “A BLACK ONE”.
• All knowledge of computers must be forgotten.
• If some young person asks if you have an IPAD, you will respond, “YES, IN MY UNDERWARE”.
• The 1950’s will be remembered as ‘the good old days’.
• You must have a pair of glasses used to find your other pair of glasses.
• If someone says for you to pull up your socks because they ‘look wrinkled’, you are to respond, “I’m not wearing socks!”
• Everything must be complained about, for example, the hot weather, the cold weather, the regular weather, the landlord, the neighbors, children, loud dogs, quiet dogs, your relatives, young people, old people, and the person looking back at you in your mirror.
• Stairs are to be avoided, but if you use them, the hand rail must be used, ’just don’t fall’.
• Kneeling or bending over must be avoided.
• If someone asks, “Do you have an APP on your computer?”, you will say, “No, I have my NAPS on my pillow.”
• When you blow out the candles on your birthday cake, you must put the FIRE DEPT. on call before picking your teeth out of the cake.
• Finally, you must always think of yourself as thirty-five years old at all times.